tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 16, 2016 9:36am-10:13am PST
♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is... -♪ -(cheering) welcome to the daily show. i'm trevor noah. we've got a great show tonight. thank you so much. jerry seinfeld is here, everybody. (cheering, applause, whistling) yep, yep. so, uh, here we are. another show, another day. uh... i don't know, what do you guys want to talk about, you know? what's, uh, what's in the news? you guys seen anything interesting? -you guys want to talk about, uh... -man: donald. donald. -donald... donald trump? -(laughter) well, okay. trump.
donald trump once again rewriting the political playbook by bailing from tomorrow night's republican presidential debate. newswoman: trump complained that fox moderator megyn kelly is biased against him. fox news standing by kelly while trump walks. trump is not used to not controlling things. the truth is, he doesn't get to control the media. wow. donald trump is skipping the republican presidential debate. -aw... -(laughter) and with trump gone, the other candidates might finally be able to discuss real, substantive issues, like how much they hate each other on that stage. but it is true what megyn kelly said-- trump is used to controlling things. i mean, this is a man usually so in control that each morning he manages to successfully wind one extra-long upper-back hair around his head -(laughter) -4,000 times... and keep it in place perfectly. that is control. so, trump's bailing on the last debate before iowa,
because he doesn't like the moderator, fox news's megyn kelly. obviously, they have history. it started at the first gop debate when last august she asked him this. you've called women you don't like "fat pigs," "dogs," "slobs," and "disgusting animals." your twitter account has several disparaging comments about women's looks. you once told a contestant on celebrity apprentice it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees. does that sound to you like the temperament of a man we should elect as president? hell, yes, it does. (laughter) said millions of americans. now, to me, this is the sort of question, tough but fair, that makes megyn kelly one of the most fearsome anchors out there. but not everyone feels that way. it's a very small element in my life-- megyn kelly. i don't care about megyn kelly. i'm not a big fan of hers at all, i don't care. when you meet her, you realize she's not very tough and she's not very sharp. she's a third-rate reporter. whoever even heard of her before the last debate?
oh, nicely done, donald trump, nicely done. it's the same way we won't call you an asshole because we, too, are constrained by political correctness... (laughter) ...asshole. (whooping, applause) now, of course, trump is entitled to his crazy opinion, but it does raise the question: if he thinks megyn kelly is such a lightweight, then why is he so scared of her? i mean, seeing trump pull out of the debate is like watching one of those youtube videos where the huge dogs are too scared to walk past the cats. you're like, "yeah, why aren't you doing it, dog trump? you said yourself it's harmless." and the dog is like, "mm, no, i can't, i just can't do it. i can't do it, i can't do it." why are you so afraid? you know? so from one perspective, trump dropping out seems like the act of a petulant child. but i think, honestly, he's a complete genius. because once again, ladies and gentlemen, donald trump has won the only fight that matters to him--
the fight for attention. yeah. taking part in one more debate wasn't gonna help donald trump get that much press, but blowing one off-- it's like deflategate crossed with a natural disaster crossed with a celebrity sex tape. -that's... -(laughter) why does... does that look like it's c... -anyway, uh... -(laughter) that was weird. i'm-i'm telling you, donald trump is really one of the greatest of all time. i mean, just take a look at this press release... announcing his decision to skip the debate. here's how it starts. "...mr. trump knows..." i'm-i'm sorry, what? like, this sounds like a lot of unnecessary information. but a lot of people don't realize, this is just how donald trump begins everything he writes.
uh, press releases, books, personal cards. dear susie, as someone who wrote one of the bestselling business books of all time and is worth many billions of dollars, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family after your tragic loss... (applause) so... so this great, this is great. so, there's a whole bunch of bragging, blah, blah, blah. "might do something for the troops." not true. whatever. uh... and then he ends it with this. "...in order to make america great again." yeah. because apparently, what america needs is a president who will quit the moment things don't go his way, leaving the country in the care of his handpicked vice president, a bar of gold wearing a miss universe sash. (laughter, applause) (whooping) i mean... this doesn't happen a lot,
but i can't say i'm totally surprised. 'cause i've said this before, people. the giant ego, the crazy sentiments, the huge and questionable fortune, the extremely casual relationship with facts-- donald trump... is basically an african dictator. i've said this. and this... and this just confirms it. because here's what happened just one week ago with yoweri museveni, the multibillionaire president of uganda, currently running for his fifth term. it was an eventful weekend for uganda, which held its first presidential candidate debate ahead of the polls in february. president yoweri museveni, who faces his toughest reelection in his 30 years of power, was a no-show. (laughter) (like museveni): welcome, america. (laughter) welcome... to my world. (normal voice): we'll be right back. (cheering, applause)
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movies? >> audience: yes. trevor: me too. my favorite movies are those with a twist. "the usual suspects," "sixth sense," "beauty and the beast." yes it seems like a movie about acceptance but the message is accept people for how they look, they may turn out to be very hot. to me the best movies are where you think the bad guys are going to win. then the last second the good guys turn it around. basically old movies. sometimes just sometimes life imitates art. >> the texas grand jury making a stunning decision about planned parenthood. >> a surprise twist. >> a impassioned debate of planned parenthood and secretly recorded videos. they have been cleared of illegally selling illegal tissues instead of grand jury --
>> trevor: yes i love this. u.s.a.! usa! >> audience: usa! trevor: i love this country. a group of antiabortion activists set out to make it look like planned parenthood was doing something illegal. they were cleared and then those making the videos were indicted. it's like they took everything, they took everything. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: do you know how not guilty you have to be for a grand jury to send your accuser to trial. [laughing] >> trevor: grand juries only listen to the prosecutor there. is no defense. prosecutors have so much control they often say they could get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich. that's a common phrase. they can, unless the ham sandwich is a cop. then that's a different story. well, to be fare, if the
sandwich has to shoot the black guy was about to eat him. [ applause ] >> trevor: it's crazy to me. how the hell did we get here? there was a time when planned parenthood crimes were a slam dunk that republican candidates bet their spots on it. >> no reason there should be taxpayer funding. >> we shouldn't fund an on-going criminal enterprise. >> they cut peoples heads off in the planned parent clinics. >> a fully formed fetus on the table. heartbeating and legs kicking. skph-pb says we have to keep it alive to harvest it's brain. >> trevor: i'm sorry, people. i'm sorry that last clip was the last one. that's karlie fee ow fiorina's d of firing people from hp. i'm sorry, my bad. a group of antiabortion
activists masked themselves as buyers and tried to get planned parenthood to admit to selling fetus tissues for profit. those videos got nominated over "straight out of compton" for the oscars. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: the point is it looked like planned parenthood was screwed. last august officials in texas convened a grand jury to investigate them this. is where it gets really fun. a republican governor had a republican lieutenant governor called for a republican da to probe the republican favorite targets in a republican state. simply put the fix was in, or so they thought. >> the investigation into planned parenthood backfiring now for the antiabortion group
that called the clinic into question. now why they're the ones charged with crimes. >> the surprise indictment by a texas grand jury said the under cover activists broke the law when they allegedly used fake california drivers licenses and posed as buyers of fetal parts. >> trevor: this is so fantastic. they're so busted. also you used a fake id to try and buy baby parts. that's the most disgusting thing you can buy with a fake id other than smirnoff ice. now always with a co controversl case there are bound to be haters. >> this likes what the law reference to others a run away grand jury. a grand jury doing the opposite of what the district attorney urged them to do. remember the da here is a republican. it looks like the grand jury went rouge here. >> trevor: oh, went rouge? [laughing] >> trevor: so, according to
these people apparently a run away jury doesn't do exactly what the prosecutor tells it to do. isn't the point of a jury they get to decide. the term "rouge jury" is an over reach. i love the idea of a rouge jury. [laughing] >> trevor: like a grand jury going rouge. i think it would make for a really great movie. >> how does the jury fine the defendant? >> we find the defendant planned parenthood not guilty. >> thank you. >> this jury is dismissed. >> also we find the people making the planned parenthood videos, guilty . >> this is unorthodox. >> also we find the chairs to be uncomfortable. the bailiff's fly to be down. we find bacon to be delicious. the internet can chill out about it. >> order, order. >> we also find the judge handsome. >> i'll allow it.
[laughing] >> what just happened now. don't you do a recap with your wife. >> no. >> no recap. >> no. >> do i the work. -- do i the work. i bring home the money. i don't put it on her head. i got it. >> no discussion. >> no discuss. she will ask how was sebastian. i will say, he was great. >> it's a blip in the conversation. >> now you're the jew and i'm the italian. that's one for me. >> trevor: please welcome, jerry seinfeld. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> thank you. revor: oh -- >> no need to applaud. it's very sweet. very nice. >> trevor: i applaud you though.
in real life i don't applaud you. i feel you deserve it. >> thank you. what were you going to say, i cut you off? you said you look -- >> trevor: you look amazing. >> thank you, you know -- [laughing] >> i like, i like two guys in suits. what is funny about comedians to me is looking normal but they're not. these comedians now, your generation, younger people, you know just the shirt out and the -- you know. it's not funny. [laughing] >> it's not funny . trevor: you say that like eddie murphy was wearing a suit when he was doing "raw." i feel we're the more normal generation. >> who, you are? trevor: ya, we are normal. >> you dress normal. trevor: you say it's not funny. >> i would never wear this normally. this is funny, to me it's funny. to me a guy in a suit is funny.
>> trevor: i wear a suit every day. >> right. trevor: thank you for being here. you just got back in israel. >> yes comedy in israel for the first time last movement. >> trevor: first time. >> ya. we did four shows in this arena, the audiencees were mazing. israelis, everything you ask them, you know is either it's no problem. it's no problem. or no, it's impossible. it's impossible. there is noggin between. no problem. no problem. what if we wanted to go in the afternoon? it's impossible. impossible. >> trevor: all or nothing. i am surprise you go anywhere. you're 50 something. >> i'm 61. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: i'm struck my your age. >> which you and you are going to love. [laughing] >> you're going to love when you get to this age. now when people ask me to do something, i just say no.
[laughing] [cheers and applause] >> i just say no. trevor: that's the only perk? >> no, no. there are many others. i don't turn around. [laughing] >> if i'm walking with someone and they go look at that and it's behind me, forget it. [laughing] >> trevor: oh, man. >> i'm sure i have seen something like that or -- [laughing] >> there is one in front of me. hi a friend, this is true. hi a friend tell me, so i'm 61, i have a wife, three kids. >> trevor: ya. >> you know. so a friend told me, it's not like a every day friend, a good friend i have known for a long time. say, you know i think we have issues in our relationship. when you're in your 60s and you have -- you're married and have kids. i went i'm sure we do, let's just wrap it up. whatever it is, i'm sure you're
right, but i'm sure i was the bad person. i don't care. [laughing] >> let's just wrap it. trevor: in your 60s you become israeli. impossible to turn around. >> yes. trevor: just wrap it up. "comedians in cars getting coffee." a strange thing for me. you seemed to retire from everything. [laughing] >> trevor: then in your retirement you then created a monster hit. >> oh, thank you. thank you. >> trevor: with your star power you could of main people come and watch it somewhere. you made it easy and put it on-line. >> ya, i just saw the phone, you know once the smartphones happened i thought what a show for that. it's just for that. >> trevor: it's not meant to be watched on tv? >> not really. people r people are watching it on tv. i thought what about a pocket show. you know what i mean. it's like, it's just two guys --
[laughing] >> -- sometimes a woman, they're just talking. we compress it when you have your phone you don't want -- there is no, nobody wants to -- less work. we don't want more work. >> trevor: all of us as people, right? >> yes. amazon.com, one click ordering. i saw, that i thought they're right. >> trevor: don't want to click twice. >> i don't want it now. i don't want it. [ applause ] >> trevor: but now -- >> i don't want it that bad. trevor: the problem i feel you are enabling. >> i know. trevor: you have #activism because of. that people say i'm part of the clause, click. >> ya, right. i can't solve everything. [laughing] [laughing] >> trevor: i'm surprised you came to the show. >> i don't know what i'm doing here. >> trevor: neither do i. >> i know i really like you. i like you. >> trevor: thank you, very much,
jerry i really appreciate that. [cheers and applause] >> we had a really cool experience. i invited trevor to be on my show before he got this gig. >> trevor: a lot of people don't realize that. >> yes. i thought this guy is cool. i want to talk to this guy. he came on and did the show. between that and us doing the show he gets this. then of course everyone gets him. it was fun i caught you in that moment. it was fun to catch you in the moment. >> trevor: comedy timing, now we're here. >> we're here. trevor: i'm going to savior this moment for a moment. >> smells good in here. trevor: wonderful. >> do you wear cologne? trevor: no. >> i thought i smelled something nice. >> trevor: that was me. not the cologne. >> you're suppose to say, i just had gas. [laughing] >> that's kid stuff. revor: that's an american joke. >> when you have kids that's
hilarious to them. [laughing] >> trevor: oh, man. the new season on "comedians in cars getting coffee" is streaming now. comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com jerry seinfeld, everybody. [cheers and applause] there has to be a way. carry the centimeter, divide by 3.14 something something something... [ beeping, whirring ] great caesar salad! ♪ and now the name your price tool shows people policy options to help fit their budget. is that a true story? yeah! people really do save an average of over $500 when they switch. i mean about you inventing it. i invented the story, and isn't that what really matters? so... what else about me?
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when you switch to directv. >> trevor: that's our show, everybody. tomorrow night, tomorrow we will be live tweeting the republican debate. follow us on twitter@thedailyshow. here is your moment of zen. >> when they sent out the wise guys press released a little while ago with roger ailes. while ago with roger ailes. i said bye bye.
coming up on... now boys and girls, last week i told you that god delivered ariel sharon's stroke as punishment for splitting israel against god's wishes. and if we look at the bible, we can see that god also pinpointed dick clark because the lord frowned on him for making light of other people's bloopers. i mean, that's very unchristian, and practical jokes are another violation of the golden rule. now lou rawls was a great singer, but god preaches humility. and for lou rawls to say that "you'll never find another love like mine," i mean, as the bible says, "there is no love like the love of christ." so that kind of arrogance from lou rawls,
that does not please god. and everybody loved the "time to make the doughnuts" guy, but this is a man who desecrated bread of the body of christ by frosting it and frying it. i think the lord is telling us here, "whoa unto him who fills the body of christ "with bavarian cream." and as for mr. miyagi from "the karate kid," pat morita, he was asian. all right, now of course, as for god's next target-- live from new york, it's saturday night! [captioning provided by e! networks]